This week's comic is a bit different in that it's important you read the comic before my post. Anyways, you can read the blog entry for this week below the comic.

So yea... 2 years ago I would never have imagined I would be coming out as a trans woman, especially in comic form, and yet...here we are. For nearly all of my life, I had felt comfortable enough in my assigned gender. I functioned well, integrated into society, had a career in tech and had what I thought was a heteronormative relationship with Pie. Everything seemed fine and I had long come to terms with the fact that I was different and that my views skewed counterculture. However, after my mom passed and I got laid off during the housing market crash, both of which happened in rapid succession, I found it difficult to want for anything in life. I lacked direction, purpose and any desire; I would often think that perhaps I was in my retirement years and that it was destined that I got rest time before checking out.

Doing the comic with Pie was a step in the right direction, and for a while, it was wonderful. During the course of it though, our lives had gone through so much turmoil and uncertainty that it exacerbated my feelings of being lost and confused. When we finally started to stabilize about 2 1/2 years ago, I found that the drive I got from the comic was diminishing and I felt like my life was missing something big, but I didn't know what. I had no way of knowing what it was, but I knew it was a pain often relieved by being in online communities.

Quite a number of trans women have more acute dysphoria which helps their gender identity bubble to the surface earlier in life, but for my narrative, it just never became apparent until, well, I started having a romantic relationship with Brie (I'm also Polyamorous, but that's a different story). Having her see me as a woman, the dynamic that our relationship took on, and the romantic subtext finally connected the dots for me. It made me reflect back on my past where I realized that I was being strongly drawn to MMOs for so long because I was able to express myself in a way that was perceived by others as feminine. I thought I was just being me, being lighthearted and even just "comfortable in my masculinity", but as I learned about myself I found I had more fun and was just generally happier when people saw me as a girl~

Once I was able to see that I was indeed a trans woman, I decided to move forward fairly quickly in my transition since I was already familiar with treatments and the community. Though I went into living full time and being completely out within a year of figuring myself out, it was also extremely difficult as I was already dealing with persistent depression. The realization that I was trans made me dip into suicidal ideation regularly, something that remained with me occasionally, even as I was taking major steps forward. A lot of my difficulty stemmed from internalized transphobia and self hatred which would often trigger me, stunting my ability to move forward with my life and recover psychologically. Sometimes even now I struggle and barely keep afloat, but I do feel like every day I get a little bit further and a little bit happier with who I am and how others perceive me.

*whew*

This comic was incredibly difficult to post. We've been dancing around gender subjects here and there for a while now, and that last link, Smooth Aparatus, was one that was rather nerve-racking since it more directly made allusions to my ongoing bout with gender dysphoria.

For those who have been keeping up with blog posts for some time, you may be familiar with a few big ones that were dealing with depression, identity crisis, seeking treatment and stabilizing. It's been a tumultuous journey for the past 20 months which has attributed to missed comics, lack of communicating with fans, incredible difficulty writing scripts and a lack of interest in games as I've struggled to find emotionally stable footing. There have been numerous occasions where I would bounce between incredible, affirming highs to very dark unravelings where I nearly...lost.

Ever since I had discovered I was dealing with gender dysphoria, it just became something that I couldn't stop obsessing over. I was desperate for the change and had to put as much effort as I possibly could into it to save myself, all the while hoping and praying that I could make it and salvage a life I felt was all but lost. The more I live as myself, as Cecilia, the better I get and the more I notice my old stability returning. It's meant that a lot of my time has been diverted away from the comic over the last year (I'm sorry the writing and update consistency has suffered so much) but the self care and moving forward in my transition has helped immensely as I search for that stable, happy place.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all your patience, care and readership!! And thank you so much for allowing me to share something so personal and intimate with you; an expression that I hope isn't too serious and perhaps even somewhat uplifting. If anyone ever wants to talk about my or their own experience, please feel free to e-mail me at ceciliquy{at}gmail{dot}com <3