What do you do when your interest begins waning, somewhat consistently, in something that you consider a core part of your identity? Stranger still is when it isn't coming from the normal suspects of a shortage of superb content, lack of time, or even depression. In searching for other pursuits to entertain my interests, I've been finding myself to be happier and more engaged... I mean, how do you even reconcile something like that?

Gaming has been such a huge part of my life for so long, and for the vast majority of it I had this nearly limitless passion for it. There was always something to get excited about and I could never really get enough reading magazines and game sites, checking out forums, discussing my passion with other gamers and of course playing. Lots and lots of playing. One of the biggest draws was feeling closely connected with a community that I had really felt at home in, all at a time when the act of socializing in meat space didn't feel particularly enjoyable. The culture and the paraphernalia that had surrounded these magical electronic infusions of art and tech had became my bastion, a cornerstone of my identity that has lately been called into question.

One of the most difficult things that I've had to swallow regarding this in my particular case is that part of my personal healing has come as a direct result of playing less and exploring other interests. I've been remarkably stable, incredibly happy and I've been making rather significant breakthroughs, but there is this...unease...that creeps up on me when trying to relax and play. All the positives come as a direct result of this constant state of urgency that keeps pushing me forward, seeking out a fulfillment in life I had not even imagined possible a year ago.

Though all this *shudders* personal growth has helped immensely, it does feel like some sort of cruel joke that even when working really hard to move forward, I still feel antsy when playing. Luckily, I think the trick is to just keep pushing forward and eventually I'll be at ease knowing I practiced enough self care to make myself happy in the long term and I can play unencumbered by the restlessness. It's kinda like having to do chores and homework first before you are even allowed to play~