It's already been about two and a half months since I left for Taiwan to see my grandfather. Experiencing my first family funeral got me thinking more about death and loss in my life. My grandfather's funeral was really good because though it was a sad time, the people who stood to talk about my grandfather said things that really made an impression of how great a man he was. He was very open, welcoming, positive and did much for many people; it was inspiring and a bit surprising for me to leave it feeling a little empowered. I began thinking and wondering about my own funeral when my time comes. I would want mine to be one where people could feel something positive, something like how I felt at my grandfather's.

My grandfather on my mom's side passed too last year. I admit that I didn't really know him personally and didn't attend his funeral (which I feel kinda bad about), but I heard that a lot of people showed up and stood to tell about his generosity in helping those in need when he was younger. What a thing it is to make splashes that affect so many people in such positive ways. I don't know if I could ever be able to measure up to such greatness, especially with my reclusive habits. ^^

After my grandfather's passing in Taiwan, I was thinking of how I could make my funeral fun, like telling my brother that maybe he can tell bad jokes at it for me, an idea that he didn't sound so much for. On one of our bus rides in Taiwan, the button to request the driver to stop triggered a really off-tune electronic version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star; it sounded like it was from a cheap toy from the early 80's with a dying battery. I couldn't help but to laugh when I heard it and immediately thought of how it'd be fun to play that at my funeral. XD

I've always had an issue with dealing with loss. When confronted with a situation in which I have to "cut the fat," I often try to just push through and justify it by keeping in mind that I don't want to be a hoarder and that I can't keep everything. Bear sometimes tries to talk me out of it when I get into that mind state because sometimes I start considering getting rid of personal things that he says I don't have to.

I miss a lot of things from the past and sometimes I'm a bit worried about my mindset being stuck there since it seems to be a common trait among most of my immediate family. >_> I think having a mindset that's stuck in the past might be the result of being obsessive about loss. The loss of the good old days, the loss of opportunities, the loss of youth, the loss of what you dreamt to be your preferred life, etc.

I was recently thinking of my brother, how once when he was in kindergarten or younger, he was with my mom and me in her bed and he saw red lights reflected on tiles in the pitch dark bathroom from lamp posts from outside the window on the opposite side of the room. He was convinced that they were monster eyes so the three of us spent some time shooting the reflections with water guns. It was silly, but it's an endearing memory of my brother that I'll always have. I admit that I feel a little sad that the innocent cute little kid that he used to be isn't there anymore since he grew up, but that's life, right? Changing is a part of nature and life. I started thinking about the future me and how I really need to cherish what I have now so that when I reach that point, I'll be happy that I lived my life in the now instead of focusing so much on what I miss.