I learned something? On my own??? (Not really...)

[Tehwilburforce]

So in my hiatus, I met this really nice girl at my college. Stuff happened to her that left her with a lot of emotional baggage to deal with this summer, but I completely screwed up by trying to ask her out and only acting interested in going out with her when she really needed me to be a friend that could be there for her when she was upset.

Right now, she doesn't really want to talk to me, so that I won't bother her while she's trying to get past some of the stuff that happened to her this semester. I would like to go out with her, but until she's ready to be in a relationship (For the record, she does like me and has said before that she'd like to go out with me), I really do want to try to be that friend for her that I'd failed to be before.

If there's any advice that you guys could give me about how to conduct myself when I'm speaking with her, I'd really appreciate it. I don't want to frustrate her again by only appearing interested in a relationship. I'd really like to just be that friend that can be there for her when she needs someone to talk to. I'll probably just end up hating myself even more if this turns into another situation like the one I encountered at the end of high school where my friend moved away and didn't want to talk to me again.

[thatonesniperguy]

You don't have the best of luck with girls, do you?

Well, about the best thing you can do is listen to her and show that you understand what she's dealing with (if you do), and try to be available to her whenever she needs you. Don't push the relationship issue, don't make her talk when she doesn't want to, and don't try too hard, and you should be able to regain your standing with her. Plus, you'll get to know her better along the way.





Also, take my advice with a grain of salt; I'm still single.

[Tehwilburforce]

Thanks, Sniper! I don't really know you since it looks like you joined while I was gone, but I think you'll fit in here just fine. I'm glad you care enough about the rest of us in this community to talk to us when we have stuff that we're dealing with.

Anyway, I guess you could say that I don't have the best luck with women. I've really just been trying to get around my stupid desire for a relationship so that I could actually develop a friendship with somebody first, ya know? It gets in the way and usually leads to whoever I'm trying to be with just not wanting to be around me anymore. :/

This girl is very kind, though, and once she'd like to talk again, I guess it would be better to listen. The thing is that she isn't as talkative as other girls unless she has something she's upset about or very excited for, which hasn't been very often from what I've seen. I'm kinda talkative, though, so maybe it could be up to me to carry the conversation sometimes. What do you guys think?

[Farore]

In response to your first questing I think you should just be honest with her. Tell her what you told us, and make sure she knows first and foremost that you want to be that friend for her.

I completely understand the struggle you have with your desire to be in a relationship; I was the same way in high school and early on in college. Through the majority of high school and college I was away from my family, and to me it felt like the only way I wouldn't be alone was if I was in a relationship. But looking back now I think much more fondly of the friends I had and our time spent. Someone once told me that before you can be happy in a relationship, you have to be happy for yourself, and I thought they were dumb, but looking back it was good advice.

Actively listening to what she has to say sounds like a great idea. Ask questions without being judgemental, or sounding like an interrogator. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to start and carry the conversation yourself either. Friendships can't be one sided affairs, so if you only listened to what she had to say and focused on that it could backfire and feel very lopsided. If you want someone to be open and speak freely, you have to show that you can, too.

[thatonesniperguy]

[Bear]

Oh man, relationships! Farore hit the nail on the head, I think as far as your problem Wilbur. Tell her how you feel and that you want to be friends and be honest. Even the, "yeah, I'd like to be with you, but being a friend comes first". The biggest thing that you need to remember is this: be genuine.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I felt like I was suffocating from not being able to get into a relationship. I'm not sure how common it is for guys, but I wanted to have a romantic relationship with a girl since I was 5 and I never wanted to be in a relationship unless I thought I could be with that person for the rest of my life. By the time I got into high school, I felt this crushing feeling like I would never find a relationship. Of course, I was an overweight introvert that was extremely shy, and it was even hard for me to talk to other guys.

Around the time I graduated, my best friend (who was in a relationship) gave me her advice: Find your own happiness first. It didn't really sink in until after college. This was around the time I stopped being so hung up finding a girl. By the time I met Pie, I was kicking ass at my job, things were going well and I was having lots of fun playing games with buddies and enjoying life - I had already resigned myself to no longer caring so much about it. So yeah...the same advice that Farore stated earlier. It really does mean a lot and if you are doing something you love and not focusing so much on the hows and whens, you will probably be very pleasantly surprised.

I think this is the key to any good relationship. Be happy and have fun with her. Chit chat and get to know each other better. Talk talk talk a lot. Talk about things you both are passionate about and hopefully you share some passions. Hang out with her and other people. Don't bother so much if you get into a relationship with this girl or not, or any girl for that matter. Build strong friendship with people (guys too!) and the person you are looking for will be attracted into your life.

[Adol The Red]

[Bear]

I think I can really feel you on this Adol. When I was in high school, I felt like I was a rather nice guy and I hated the notion of "nice guys finish last". That nice guys never get the girls; I just never wanted to buy into it. I didn't know any nice guys in relationships and the rule seemed to be proving more true as I got older. I always felt awkward and unsure on how to approach women in general.

At one point, I got really jaded about relationships. I started to buy into the idea that women don't want "nice guys", or if they say they do, they won't actually date them or take them seriously romantically. I wanted a relationship that was perfect, like a story book romance; I didn't mind working for it or making compromises, but I felt that my boyhood vision of romance was silly and naive. "This is dumb...women don't really want that"

But I feel like I was really confusing the nice issue. A lot of nice guys are also shy, and that is where it really hits. What really is attractive to people is someone who is confident in themselves. How do you get confident? Well...you find your happiness. If you are happy, living life and experiencing things, not worrying so much and developing skills in something you enjoy and are good at, you start getting confident in yourself. That confidence equates to happiness and people are drawn in by that spark of life that you are experiencing. People who are confident can be nice and end up being very attractive as mates.

I think another thing is being selective in who you choose to be with. Go out and marry your best friend; treat them like they are the most important person in your life, because they should be. I mean, other than yourself...you should always make sure you are happy first so you can make others happy. It's a funny happiness cycle where when you are happy, you make someone else happy and that makes you happy. Then they want to make you happy and you just sort of continue in that cycle feeling wonderful all the time.

When Pie and I got together, we weren't looking for a relationship and we got so close because we connected so well as friends first. We were both extremely passionate about games, yes, but more than that, we had almost the exact same philosophical beliefs about life and living. In fact, we would almost talk more about our personal beliefs and views than anything else and connected as two people who really admired and respected one another, as friends.

Life can be wonderfully magical, but there is also a lot of pain and learning experiences too. The pain helps accentuate the good times, and makes you honor and cherish your love that much more. I'll always be rooting for the nice guys and encouraging them, hoping they don't fall into the poisonous trap of becoming jaded or, worse yet, misogynistic.

Man...I feel like we should have a Sexuality and Relationship mega thread just for people to come talk about this stuff and share opinions form the many different walks of life that we lead.

[Adol The Red]

I've bordered on misogynistic at times, even though it goes against my beliefs in general. It's one reason I've actively avoided relationships for a while, because through it all I know that the problem is with me and not them, and it would be unfair to pursue someone when I can't trust them because of my own issues. I've always thought of myself as a nice guy, but I've only recently understood how much of the bad I added to my earlier relationships. The other mistake was putting women on a pedistal when I was young. When you do that you have only yourself to blame when people don't live up to your lofty expectations.

You're right about confidence, though. I've never been good with it, yet when I look back I remember that I approached my last girlfriend with absolute confidence. I have no idea how I did that, to be honest. I suppose it just felt right, and for a while it was. Then I start worrying more about losing the relationship than just being happy and I ruin things.

Lessons to learn, I guess.

[Tehwilburforce]